There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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