im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
it hurts more in the daytime
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
