mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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