Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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