My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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