Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
