I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
