Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
