I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
