First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
