I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
