You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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