You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
