Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
