So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
