I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
my liver is dry heaving
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
