I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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