If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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