STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
