i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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