Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
