I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
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turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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