Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
