she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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