It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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