i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
