Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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