i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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