im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
