I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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