Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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