when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
