Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
