as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
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There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
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I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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