Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Did I show you my penis last night?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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