i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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