tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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