I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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