Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
