Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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