My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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