you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
