Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
