Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
