when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Lo siento on account of my penis...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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