I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
