Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
