I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
