After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
