I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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