My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
