There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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