I like to think it a success when the cops are called
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
