matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
