I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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