woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
