Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
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If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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