Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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