looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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